The Gift of Nothing

My sister wins again this year for the most personal, appropriate and perfect Christmas gift.

The Gift of Nothing
By Patrick McDonnell

It was a special day
and Mooch wanted to give his best friend, Earl, a gift.
But what to get him?
He had a bowl.
He had a bed.
He had a chewy toy.
He had it ALL.

Mooch thought and thought.
What do you get someone who has everything?
...
Nothing!!
He would give Earl the gift of nothing

But in this world filled with so many somethings,
where could he find nothing?

Mooch often heard Frank say there was "nothing on TV."
But as far as Mooch could tell,
there was always something on TV.

Mooch often heard Doozy and her friends say there was "nothing to do."
But as far as Mooch could tell,
everybody was always doing something.

Millie came home from the store and said,
"There was nothing to buy!"
So Mooch went shopping.

Mooch looked up and down every aisle.
He found many, many, many somethings.
The latest this, the newest that.
But as far as he could tell,
nothing was not for sale.

So Mooch went home
and sat on his pillow
and just stayed still (as cats often do).

And not looking for it, he found,
nothing.

So he went and got a box
and put nothing in it.

Earl opened Mooch's gift.
..?..

"There's nothing here," said Earl.
"Yes!" said Mooch. "Nothing...

but me and you."

So Mooch and Earl just stayed still
and enjoyed nothing
and everything.

Yes I really will

Yes. Yes I really am going to a yoga workshop on New Years Eve.

No, not New Years Day. New Years EVE.

Yes, that night. Yes, 10pm - 1am.

Then what? Then nothing. Then walk, clear-headed in to my room, light my candle, write in my journal, set my intentions for the year and lay my sweet head to rest.

No, I'm really not going to a party. I'm really not getting dressed up and I'm really not going to party on New Years Eve.

I'm really not spending money on a ticket, really not waiting in line anywhere, really not shoving my way to a crowded bar so I can order an expensive drink that's going to give me a headache and make me sleep through the next morning.

I really will wake up early on New Years Day. I really will wake up to the next year I'm alive on this planet stretched-out and centered and ready for anything.

Bring it.

bulletproof

i would be sad to learn someone would use these lyrics to describe the way they felt about me.
glad that i'm the one writing, and not the one reading.


Been there done that messed around,
I'm having fun don't put me down
I'll never let you
sweep me off my feet.

I won't let you in again,
The messages I've tried to send,
My information's just not going in.

Burning bridges shore to shore,
I'll break away from something more
I'm not turned on to love
until it's cheap.

Been there done that messed around
I'm having fun don't put me down,
I'll never let you
sweep me off my feet.

This time baby I'll be bulletproof,
This time baby I'll be bulletproof.

I won't let you turn around
And tell me now I'm much too proud
To walk away from something
when it's dead.

Do do do your dirty words
Come out to play when you are hurt
There's certain things
that should be left unsaid.

Tick tick tick tick on the watch
And life's too short for me to stop
Oh baby, your time is running out.

I won't let you turn around
And tell me now I'm much too proud
All you do
is fill me up with doubt.

This time baby I'll be bulletproof

my blanket

i had a blanket growing up.
it was given to me when i was born.
i slept with it every night until i left it in a hotel when i was 11.
i can still explain how good the blanket felt when i clutched it and slept with it against my face because for some reason these days as i'm falling asleep, i find myself aching for 'my blanket' for the first time in 17 years.
it's the feeling it brought me that i find myself missing.
a sense of comfort and security. a hug.
something i can hold in the physical world.
something that holds me.

i have a new security blanket now...

send it off the mat

instead of my practice this morning being all about myself, i dedicated it to my sister.
i'd been feeling, seeing, sensing ... that i needed to venture out of my head, out of my body ... for a change. it's a beautiful place to be, just not the only place to be.

i've never done that before, dedicated my yoga to another person. it's MY yoga. me, alone, mine.

balance, remember?

share your yoga.

send it off that mat.

breathe for your neighbor.
breathe in a way that will remind them to breathe.
and guess what, they're doing it for you too. doesn't that feel good?


les said today, dedicate your practice to someone else for a change. think of someone in your life who you would want to share this with.

i thought of my sister and my mom immediately... and then i went off and thought of someone else. tried him on for a second or two. mmmm wasn't sure it was the right thing for me. then les said right before we began the first asana, "who ever you thought of first, that's the right one."

my sister.

i felt the love i have for my sister. how i want nothing more than for her to feel balanced and happy and calm. i sent that out to her. i felt like i was wrapping her up in it. which wrapped me in it too.
warm and loving and embracing.

see what happens when we give?
so full.
fill it up.

another example of how narcissistic my blog is

recently and more frequently than ever before, people have been telling me who i look like.... so i wanted to see all those faces together.

the first one i ever heard

the one i hear most often

when i'm making a certain expression

my favorite

random.. but i can see it

would hear people tell my mom this when i was younger

and i even cover the cartoon demographic.

flip it

Start turning some battles into opportunities to express yourself more.... to express more of your self. Don't run away. Stay and show yourself through it.
Show yourself to yourself.

if you're afraid of the dark...

remember the night rainbow

2009 Love poem

I have so much I'd want to say
about men I've met along the way.
Varied and very.
Married and "marry me"
no.
yes. so much I
could eloquently express,
If only they all didn't read this. ;-)

The point of everything...

The night before I lost everything was like any other night.
Anna and I kept each other awake very late.
Young sisters in a bed under a roof of their childhood home. Wind on the window.
How could anything less deserve to be destroyed?
I thought we would be awake all night. Awake the rest of our lives.
The hairs of our arms touched.
It was late and we were tired.
We assumed there would be other nights.
She rolled onto her side.
I said, I want to tell you something.
She said, You can tell me tomorrow.
I had never told her how much I loved her.
She was my sister.
We slept in the same bed.
There was never a right time to say it.
It was always unnecessary.
I thought about waking her.
But it was unnecessary.
There would be other nights.
And how can you say I love you to someone you love?
I rolled onto my side and fell asleep next to her.
Here is the point of everything I have been trying to tell you, Oskar.
It is always necessary.
I love you,
Grandma.

-JSF, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

i just finished this amazing book.
do yourself a favor and
read it.

no one's looking at you

no one's looking at you in yoga. most of us are too busy being self-absorbed.

is that the point? or the problem...

i feel like this just happened to me

making sure this comes next

disappear

who. are. you.

enjoy that walk, girl. don't get distracted.
get there.

So THIS is what they meant...

I saw a woman holding a little baby the other day

And I swear my uterus grew arms
and punched me.

.....................

You've all heard the "my clock is ticking" comments. Well let me just say, there is truth to the cliche. Unfortunately.

The body is a powerful, beautiful mechanism. I'm in awe.

More on this topic later....

don' be fool

push play

you not in the right place mista'

but i not lonely here
somebody want me here

it nice it happen to ya
like you come to de island on holiday
sun didn' burn ya red red
jus' brown
but da truth is
bown' to happen
if you stay long enough

so take that nice picta you got in ya head wit ya
but don' be fool
we lonely mostly here too

and if we lucky,
maybe,
we got some nice pictures to take wit us

-Meet Joe Black
'Sooner or later, Everyone Does'

Hard to let go, isn't it?
Yes it is.
Well.
That's life.
What can I tell you.

be grateful

happy thanksgiving everyone. remember to

"Life is about learning. What I learned from everything this year... well, one of the things I learned this year was how important it is to be grateful. How it's most important to be grateful when it seems you have no right to be. And that if you're always grateful for what you have, then you'll always have enough.

Put this card some where you'll see it every day and remind yourself:

I have enough. I am enough. Life is good. And for that, I am grateful."

-me, Xmas 2007
a card and blurb i gave everyone i could think of (family, friends, every co-worker, nurses, doctors, x-ray technicians, neighbors, mailmen, and more)

It really is so important. Life is not guaranteed.
Your ability to breathe in and out
your ability to put one foot in front of the other
is not guaranteed.
Be grateful for it.
Enjoy it. Please.

painful

I explained it verbally for the first time to someone. she said "that is REALLY expressive." i don't think she knew what else to do with it. i wouldn't have if i were her.

i have all this built up energy. for me, that equals pain. so when i say "energy" imagine it as an uncomfortable, painful sensation.

i've had all this built up energy. i'm just starting to get it moving. SUCH A GOOD THING.

but i'm in yoga, i'm getting it moving.

in forward-fold for a bit, my favorite pose, i feel the energy moving down my back. or i guess.. moving UP my back... but i'm upside down. you yogis know.

so my back is opening up in ways it needs to, but that means... i feel the pain spreading.

the way i explained it verbally is... i feel this cloud of pain spreading over my entire back.

i'm moving energy that needs to be moved. but there's SO much of it... at this point it's just going to move around on the inside. it's pain that's just going to be spread.

i can tell it's a good thing. it's moving. but.
there's so much of it.
it's got no where to go.
there's too much of it to expect that i'm going to get it OUT through stretching.

imagine.
every breath you take moves your energy around.
imagine that energy being painful.
that's what i experience in yoga.
that's the experience i keep searching for.
eventually, it will find it's way out.
i just have to open the road for it to leave.

watch her leave, let her go.

she won't grasp
or clench her fist

you want to be held
no?
then be ready to
watch her leave and
let her go.

she'll go....

Full circle

We are all on a journey
toward becoming a complete person.

Along the way we reach milestones,
chances to step aside and take account
of how far we've come
and where we still want to go.

Each time you pause to evaluate your journey,
celebrate the person you are
and all the potential that remains.

Let your journey
be your joy.

..........

This quote. It lives in this little cheesy Hallmark book I got as a present from my mom 8 years ago. About 6 years ago, it marked a really big turning point in my life - giving the Commencement address at my JC graduation (1,500 ppl in attendance, ty very much).

I used this quote as a way to end the speech in which I detailed my journey from a "painfully shy" child; afraid to talk to anyone outside her family - to the woman the audience was seeing before them on stage; Mic in her face. Conviction in her words. And (finally) more than happy to have them heard.

notice the laughter going on behind me. making them laugh and cry. successful speech in my opinion.

Fast-forward to three nights ago, the night before my 28th birthday. I couldn't sleep. Probably just too much caffeine the day before.

In my insomniac boredom, I decided to pull some books off my bookshelf that I hadn't looked at in a while. I pulled this Hallmark book out and thought, "This book was important for some reason... what was it...." As I read, I found the page with this quote on it and remembered.

Delivering a speech to a gym full of people, my family off to the side. Watching their daughter, sister and cousin, who at one point in her life would NOT TALK to anyone, deliver a beautiful (ahem, modest?!) SPEECH.... the title of it was FULL CIRCLE... a big night, to say the very least.

..........

My birthday this year was amazing. A huge group of friends, dear to my heart, showed up smiling to celebrate with me.

My dad's card that showed up today:
"Life is about the journey and the friends you make along the way."

..........

So this is kind of a random post. But there are a handful of yummy connections going on here. I leave you to find them for yourself.

Bob Dylan Poem

If you can find the link to listen to Bobby D recite this, I'd recommend you do that now. I couldn't find anything. I wish you better luck.

Bob Dylan, Final Thoughts on Woody Guthrie

When yer head gets twisted and yer mind grows numb
When you think you're too old, too young, too smart or too dumb
When yer laggin' behind an' losin' yer pace
In a slow-motion crawl of life's busy race
No matter what yer doing if you start givin' up
If the wine don't come to the top of yer cup
If the wind's got you sideways with with one hand holdin' on
And the other starts slipping and the feeling is gone
And yer train engine fire needs a new spark to catch it
And the wood's easy findin' but yer lazy to fetch it
And yer sidewalk starts curlin' and the street gets too long
And you start walkin' backwards though you know its wrong
And lonesome comes up as down goes the day
And tomorrow's mornin' seems so far away
And you feel the reins from yer pony are slippin'
And yer rope is a-slidin' 'cause yer hands are a-drippin'
And yer sun-decked desert and evergreen valleys
Turn to broken down slums and trash-can alleys
And yer sky cries water and yer drain pipe's a-pourin'
And the lightnin's a-flashing and the thunder's a-crashin'
And the windows are rattlin' and breakin' and the roof tops a-shakin'
And yer whole world's a-slammin' and bangin'
And yer minutes of sun turn to hours of storm
And to yourself you sometimes say
"I never knew it was gonna be this way
Why didn't they tell me the day I was born"
And you start gettin' chills and yer jumping from sweat
And you're lookin' for somethin' you ain't quite found yet
And yer knee-deep in the dark water with yer hands in the air
And the whole world's a-watchin' with a window peek stare
And yer good gal leaves and she's long gone a-flying
And yer heart feels sick like fish when they're fryin'
And yer jackhammer falls from yer hand to yer feet
And you need it badly but it lays on the street
And yer bell's bangin' loudly but you can't hear its beat
And you think yer ears might a been hurt
Or yer eyes've turned filthy from the sight-blindin' dirt

And you figured you failed in yesterdays rush
When you were faked out an' fooled while facing a four flush
And all the time you were holdin' three queens
And it's makin you mad, it's makin' you mean
Like in the middle of Life magazine
Bouncin' around a pinball machine

And there's something on yer mind you wanna be saying
That somebody someplace oughta be hearin'
But it's trapped on yer tongue and sealed in yer head
And it bothers you badly when your layin' in bed
And no matter how you try you just can't say it
And yer scared to yer soul you just might forget it
And yer eyes get swimmy from the tears in yer head
And yer pillows of feathers turn to blankets of lead
And the lion's mouth opens and yer staring at his teeth
And his jaws start closin with you underneath
And yer flat on your belly with yer hands tied behind
And you wish you'd never taken that last detour sign

And you say to yourself just what am I doin'
On this road I'm walkin', on this trail I'm turnin'
On this curve I'm hanging
On this pathway I'm strolling, in the space I'm taking
In this air I'm inhaling

Am I mixed up too much, am I mixed up too hard
Why am I walking, where am I running
What am I saying, what am I knowing
On this guitar I'm playing, on this banjo I'm frailin'
On this mandolin I'm strummin', in the song I'm singin'
In the tune I'm hummin', in the words I'm writin'
In the words that I'm thinkin'
In this ocean of hours I'm all the time drinkin'
Who am I helping, what am I breaking
What am I giving, what am I taking

But you try with your whole soul best
Never to think these thoughts and never to let
Them kind of thoughts gain ground
Or make yer heart pound
But then again you know why they're around
Just waiting for a chance to slip and drop down
"Cause sometimes you hear'em when the night times comes creeping
And you fear that they might catch you a-sleeping
And you jump from yer bed, from yer last chapter of dreamin'
And you can't remember for the best of yer thinking
If that was you in the dream that was screaming
And you know that it's something special you're needin'
And you know that there's no drug that'll do for the healin'
And no liquor in the land to stop yer brain from bleeding
And you need something special
Yeah, you need something special all right
You need a fast flyin' train on a tornado track
To shoot you someplace and shoot you back
You need a cyclone wind on a stream engine howler
That's been banging and booming and blowing forever
That knows yer troubles a hundred times over
You need a Greyhound bus that don't bar no race
That won't laugh at yer looks
Your voice or your face
And by any number of bets in the book
Will be rollin' long after the bubblegum craze
You need something to open up a new door
To show you something you seen before
But overlooked a hundred times or more
You need something to open your eyes
You need something to make it known
That it's you and no one else that owns
That spot that yer standing, that space that you're sitting
That the world ain't got you beat
That it ain't got you licked
It can't get you crazy no matter how many
Times you might get kicked
You need something special all right
You need something special to give you hope

But hope's just a word
That maybe you said or maybe you heard
On some windy corner 'round a wide-angled curve
But that's what you need man, and you need it bad
And yer trouble is you know it too good

Cause you look an' you start getting the chills
Cause you can't find it on a dollar bill
And it ain't on Macy's window sill
And it ain't on no rich kid's road map
And it ain't in no fat kid's fraternity house
And it ain't made in no Hollywood wheat germ
And it ain't on that dimlit stage
With that half-wit comedian on it
Ranting and raving and taking yer money
And you thinks it's funny

No you can't find it in no night club or no yacht club
And it ain't in the seats of a supper club
And sure as hell you're bound to tell
That no matter how hard you rub
You just ain't a-gonna find it on yer ticket stub
No, and it ain't in the rumors people're tellin' you
And it ain't in the pimple-lotion people are sellin' you
And it ain't in no cardboard-box house
Or down any movie star's blouse
And you can't find it on the golf course
And Uncle Remus can't tell you and neither can Santa Claus
And it ain't in the cream puff hair-do or cotton candy clothes
And it ain't in the dime store dummies or bubblegum goons
And it ain't in the marshmallow noises of the chocolate cake voices
That come knockin' and tappin' in Christmas wrappin'
Sayin' ain't I pretty and ain't I cute and look at my skin
Look at my skin shine, look at my skin glow
Look at my skin laugh, look at my skin cry
When you can't even sense if they got any insides
These people so pretty in their ribbons and bows
No you'll not now or no other day
Find it on the doorsteps made out-a paper mache¥
And inside it the people made of molasses
That every other day buy a new pair of sunglasses
And it ain't in the fifty-star generals and flipped-out phonies
Who'd turn yuh in for a tenth of a penny
Who breathe and burp and bend and crack
And before you can count from one to ten
Do it all over again but this time behind yer back
My friend
The ones that wheel and deal and whirl and twirl
And play games with each other in their sand-box world
And you can't find it either in the no-talent fools
That run around gallant
And make all rules for the ones that got talent
And it ain't in the ones that ain't got any talent but think they do
And think they're foolin' you
The ones who jump on the wagon
Just for a while 'cause they know it's in style
To get their kicks, get out of it quick
And make all kinds of money and chicks

And you yell to yourself and you throw down yer hat
Sayin', "Christ do I gotta be like that
Ain't there no one here that knows where I'm at
Ain't there no one here that knows how I feel
Good God Almighty
THAT STUFF AIN'T REAL"

No but that ain't yer game, it ain't even yer race
You can't hear yer name, you can't see yer face
You gotta look some other place
And where do you look for this hope that yer seekin'
Where do you look for this lamp that's a-burnin'
Where do you look for this oil well gushin'
Where do you look for this candle that's glowin'
Where do you look for this hope that you know is there
And out there somewhere
And your feet can only walk down two kinds of roads
Your eyes can only look through two kinds of windows
Your nose can only smell two kinds of hallways
You can touch and twist
And turn two kinds of doorknobs

You can either go to the church of your choice
Or you can go to Brooklyn State Hospital
You'll find God in the church of your choice
You'll find Woody Guthrie in Brooklyn State Hospital

And though it's only my opinion
I may be right or wrong
You'll find them both
In the Grand Canyon
At sundown

you are already naked

Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose.
You are already naked.
There is no reason not to follow your heart.
-Steve Jobs

actions

speak louder than words

and i'm listening.

just breathe

When you exhale, let it all go.
Breathe out that story... you know the one.
The one you tell yourself
about yourself.

Breathe it out.

Breathe in to all that new space you just created.
What gets to fill it?
You get to chose.

Not nice

I’ll seek you out,
Flay you alive
One more word and you won’t survive

And I’m not scared of your stolen power
I see right through you any hour

I won’t soothe your pain
I won’t ease your strain
You’ll be waiting in vain
I got nothing for you to gain

I’m taking it slow
Feeding my flame
Shuffling the cards of your game

And just in time
In the right place
Suddenly I will play my ace








Blue Foundation, Eyes on Fire

Fluidity

Fluid. Like water.
Like a river.
Notice a rock in the river, an obstacle... the water flows around it. Over it. Sees it. Says hello to it. Washes over it.
It doesn't stop flowing in frustration to ask the rock, "why are you so hard?" and get mad at itself for a rock being there.

What are your rocks?
Notice them. Say hello to them. Wash yourself over them. Onward flow.

Movement

Stretch it.
Breeeeaaathe in to it.
Notice where it wasn't... or maybe still isn't, moving.
Don't punish yourself for the tension.
Cherish it.
Protect it.
Protect you.
.Embrace.
Open it. Just breathe in to it.
Let it move.
Let things move.

It won't hurt you.
You chose the experience.
Experience the beauty.
Breathe it in. Let it go. Celebrate it.

A tale of two Runes

first answer... Isa. ice. stillness.
second... Naudhiz. constraint. patience.

Isa.

This rune carries the symbolic representation of the icicle. The Northern tribes understood well the dangers that ice and cold brought, and also the beauty.

You have reached a period of non-action or stagnation. There is little you can do to move things and even if you could it is unlikely it would be to your ultimate benefit.

Now is a time for meditation and contemplation. Get in touch with your spiritual side, you can still grow while your world lies dormant.

Naudhiz.

Need and want are not the same thing - this rune encourages us to remember that fact. Only when we are fighting for our very survival are we likely to understand the things we truly need.

Patience is a virtue. This is not a time to force things - settle back, live in harmony and go with the flow. Delays do not mean failure.

Isa. The Rune Poem - Verse XI
Though ice is cold and slippery
it glistens pure like glass,
it is like gemstones,
is not a field of frost a fair sight to behold?

Naudhiz. The Rune Poem - Verse X
Hardship falls heavy on the heart
yet it can be a blessing
if its lessons are learnt.

.....

first question... what is the most important thing going on right now? The biggest most prominent, most important challenge?

second... what do I do about it?

Making the change

I don't go to yoga enough. I spend too much money. I don't cook.
Go to yoga. Watch your money. Learn.

It really is that easy.

Just stop the tape that's been playing on repeat, "I don't. I can't. I won't."

I can.
I will.
I am.
I am.
I am.

Admit it

You will never find the tofu in the new grocery store if you don't admit you don't know where it is because you've never shopped there before and you don't know your way around grocery stores in general and just ask someone.

You'll never learn about that process at work unless you admit you don't understand it and ask for clarification.

You'll never overcome a fear until you admit you still have it and face it and get rid of it.

You'll never get to where you're going unless you first admit that you are not already there.

Hello, Perspective?

I'm sitting in my San Francisco apartment watching Family Guy on my Apple laptop... thinking about the fact that I need to walk down and go to the grocery store. And then walk back up the hill(s) with groceries.

My good friend (ex-roommate) Seth came online so I took the opportunity to avoid the grocery store even longer by chatting with him.

Seth has been living in the Congo for the last 6 months overseeing the mental health unit in a post-war country. ... .I've asked Seth to provide a few sentences here... Needless to say, he no longer lives in the civilization that we've all come to believe we're entitled to.

I told him, "I'm avoiding going to the grocery store." Seth, "Why?"

I began to answer, "Because I have to walk, because I live on a hill, because it's cold outside, and because I hate the grocery store."

And Seth wrote, "I would relish the opportunity."

So I ended up writing, "Because I have to walk, because I live... OH hello sweet perspective! Shut my mouth Seth! Thank you for that."

How easy we forget.

I am grateful.

Hatha

He told us to think of one word that we would breathe our energy in with.

I used my brain at first and of course thought, "well... of course I chose the word Gratitude. That's my word."
But that word didn't work... wasn't the right word... wasn't doing the trick... wasn't it.

So I let the question go, I unclenched the part of my brain that was trying to answer. I felt around... and it appeared. Whole. My word was Whole. Complete.

There were actually three words. The first two... I. Am.

I would breathe in and feel it swirling around, filling me up, making me such.

He said you breathe it in, and then you you offer it to the room. To your neighbor.

That a man... living in a cave, breathing deeply a true, pure kind of loving energy, can effect society more than a person living within the community who's just thinking of doing it. (ok - we all giggled... but there's a point there, you see it?).

But he said no matter what, the person you effect most is yourself.

I. Am. Whole.
And I offer that to You.

.Namaste.

When you're not looking

Amber and I were having one of our heart-to-heart conversations like we always do... we vent, we advise, we confess, we relate.

We came across that old theory... that "it's always when you're not looking..." that you find what you want.

Amber: "I don't know, but it's always once you stop looking that it comes to you."
Me: "Hmmmm.... we'll see."

Fast forward to us standing outside, trying to find a cab so we could both catch our buses home.

We couldn't find one.
So we gave up and started to walk towards our bus stops.
And just then... a cab showed up.
Amber: "I told you."

i don't pay enough attention

i dont pay enough attention to politics.
and when i do pay attention
i remember
why i don't pay enough attention to politics.
ugh.

moving in

some of my preciousnesses
unpacking most of my stuff today
it feels a lot more like home.

I live in San Francisco!!

Learning to live with less

learn to live with less

so that you will remember that you have more.

less television.
less computer.
less car.
less driving.
less gas.
less oil.
less money.
less crap.

.more time
.more thoughtful
.more focused
.more movement
.more moments
.more careful
.more space

My secret

Some people have porn
but i have People

A whole book of the easiest crossword puzzles ever.
(and ok, sometimes even these stump me)

They both said

they both said
they met me for a reason.

i agree.

it goes a little something like this

when the pupil is ready
the teacher will appear.

thank u universe.







march 1 2010: this post now dedicated to this post

I think it's funny when

people argue with each other
about whether or not
i qualify
as a red head.

i have freckles
and red hair in the sun
but brown hair otherwise.

what's funny is
people are adamant one way
or the other.

their hair-color based categorization of me
would have to change
if the other side turned out to be right.

my perspective...

i have freckles
and red hair in the sun
but brown hair otherwise

and i am a red head.

and i win.

He called her his girlfriend

but really it was just because it was easier
than saying
this girl lying next to me
who i really like but can't commit to
is having really severe abdominal pain

A revealing review of the movie UP in 3-D

Up, the movie, takes place in the air. The characters are constantly at risk of falling from heights that would kill them should their foot slip off the porch, or the balloon string finally snap from the weight.

You know that feeling you get when you see someone on TV come really close to falling or actually fall but get saved somehow? I'm talking about the feeling you have BEFORE they get saved....

Well, I've felt that feeling. And not from watching someone falling. From BEING someone falling. And I didn't get saved. Not until maybe 2 hours later anyway.

No, this picture is not me... and it's probably disturbing for you.
I won't argue with you. It is disturbing.
And it's also pretty close to what I must have looked like
to the neighbor who found me.
See January > A story I once told

I've been able to stomach seeing actors, cartoon and otherwise, at risk of such falls before. But before, it's been an isolated scene among otherwise completely unfamiliar situations. The movie Up is 2 hours of one almost-fatal-fall after another.

I saw the movie today but I haven't even been able to think about the movie yet. This heartwarming, love-for-humanity kind of movie usually leaves me feeling happy and satisfied. I want to get there, I really do. I think this post was an attempt to do that. It's not working.

I'm not over it yet... under-statement? Will I ever be able to watch people come close to falling from a fatal height? Maybe never. Maybe that's asking too much.

I don't have a positive-outlook way to end this post.

Someday.

Delicious

I wasn't going to eat dessert tonight except for the fact that
of course I was.

do what you like.
like what you do.

order dessert. eat two pieces.

surrender to the universe.

let it in. let it go.

stay open. say yes. let it happen.
let it go.

no wanting. no waiting. just letting

just letting

Still talking about MJ huh?

Latoya thinks MJ was murdered. That the doctors messed up. That someone was feeding him drugs towards the end to control him. That yes, he had a drug problem. But he recovered from it. Of course he did, Latoya. Maybe I'd try to think that too if this were my brother.

I just think "Well it worked for Anna Nicole."

Some people just have addiction problems and end up dying from them. Heath Ledger's family didn't blame everyone but him. In the media at least... what really, do I know about any of this.

Ugh... I do not miss television. This is Larry King Live airing this gossipy gossip.

I am grateful for the simplicity and focus of my non-celebrity life.

Sarah I'd like to introduce you to a little thing we call Moderation

Hi Moderation.
Nice to meet you!
I've heard good things... you and I should seriously get to know each other.
I feel like we could get a lot accomplished together.

But give me a second. I'm just going to go fill up my coffee cup again. It's only my third cup today.

But I mean it... you and me.... definitely... someday.

My choice NOT to have an iPhone

I really want one.
Reeeeeaaaaallllllllyyy want one.
Which is exactly why I don't have one (other than the fact that I'm at the beginning of another 2-year contract with Verizon).

Ok that, and because of how addicted to technology I already am.

Ask me what the hardest part of leaving my last job was.
It was handing over my laptop.

My work laptop equalled my personal laptop which equalled quite a lot, really.

Sitting in the HR manager's office on my last day filling out my exit paperwork, I started the sentence, "I really don't want to have to leave..."
She thought that was the end of my sentence so she said, "We don't want you to leave either!"

But she said that in sync with me actually finishing my sentence, "I really don't want to have to leave... My... Computer."

"Oh.. I mean... k, awkward."

Not having a laptop was the reason I started to learn how to meditate this year. It was necessary... and helpful. I thought I'd maybe take a break from the internet... use the two weeks off as a REAL two weeks OFF. Disconnected.

So yeah, I thought about that for a couple of days and then Sunday afternoon I somehow found myself at Apple pulling out my credit card. And I loooove my Apple computer laptoppy top.

Ok so see, I have an affinity for technology.

If I had an iPhone, do you think I'd ever participate in the physical world again? No.

You'd find me sitting there with my nose touching the smooth big glass screen and asking you to text message me the question you just asked me because the text feature on my phone is so cool and I'd rather my response to you make a cute little noise and show up in a bright green bubble.

So no, Sarah can NOT have an iPhone. If you see me walking towards the Apple store, distract me with a Peet's iced soy latte.

Public Service Announcement. The more you know, the more you ... I don't remember the end of this motto. But this is the end of this post.

To jump or not to jump

So we're presented with a cliff. We're at the edge of something familiar... at the edge of where we feel safe.
But you've been on this ledge for a while now... and you feel like you're missing out on l-i-v-i-n. The only way to do something different, to try something new... is to jump.
Do you?
Would you?
Could you?

Could you not?

Even if you had a parachute... which sometimes you won't... there's no guarantee it will open. There's no guarantees in anything, you know.

Only one way to find out.

Just jump.

Please note:

My friends say I have a boy sense of humor.
Translation: I'm funny.

You have to be willing to jump... you just do

If you dance around your living room
and you're not jumping even a little bit,
then you're not really dancing.
Let it loose sister.
Jump.
Let yourself.

Time is short but that's all right.

Look, here are we
On this starry night, staring into space
And I must say
I feel as small as dust lying down here
What point could there be troubling?
Head down wondering what will become of me?
Why concern we cannot see
But no reason to abandon it
Time is short but that's all right
Maybe I'll go off in the middle of the night
Take your hands from your eyes, my love
All good things must come to an end some time
But don't burn the day away
-DMB

Quoting songs on my blog... this type of blogging is more like an online journal/diary, which I didn't intend this to be. I just don't imagine lyrics are very interesting to read. But... things happen as they will. "And here are we."

I really love this song. And today, it's really resonating. Just go for it. Don't be scared just because it might not last. Because guess what, it WON'T. Enjoy it while you can.

Back in early April of this year, I was sitting on a rock above the ocean in SLO (Avila technically) and spotted the rock you see in the picture below... the song I just quoted, Pig, showed up in my mind.

"There's bad times but that's ok. Just look for the love in it."

And this small font is me full-on biting DeweyHammond's blogging style. So in case he's reading.. copyright Dewey Hammond ;-)

All good things

I hadn't been taking Caltrain lately to get to work. I'd been going to someone's house in the morning & getting a ride to work because it made it possible for he and I to see each other as much as we wanted to.

I was back on public transportation today.

My Peet's barrista said, "Hi Sarah! Haven't seen you in a while! You've been gone or ..?"

My response, "No, I've been here but I've been able to avoid taking public transportation lately.... But that's a fantasy world.... And those don't last."

Traveling, I only stop at exits
Wondering if I'll stay
young and restless.
Living this way
I stress less.
I want to pull away when the dream dies.
The pain sets in and I don't cry.
I only feel gravity and I wonder why.
-Nelly Furtado, All Good Things

I'm not sad... have no soul?

We lost 4 celebrities last week. Is it up to 5 now?

So Farrah Faucett died. Long battle with cancer. So tragic and must be so hard on her family. Michael Jackson. Again, his poor family. He was a great artist. A tragic life though, really.
Ed MacMahon (sp?), Willy Mayes.

Ok yes, that's a larger-than-average cluster of celebrities dying that close to each other.

But people die everyday. People who have loved ones, and children, who ARE children, who battle cancer, who drive drunk, who drive sober and get hit....

I'm just as sad for the batch of celebrity deaths as I am for the number of other people who die that I don't know. It's a tragic thing, it's hard on the families, but it's a part of life and just because a person has a star on the walk of fame, doesn't make their death any more important or sad.

I don't usually cry when a stranger dies because then I'd be sad every day.... so don't expect me to be sad for these celebrities.

By closing, we open.

Mom and dad are getting a divorce. I have three words to say about it.
It's. about. time.

They separated when I was 15.... that's 13 years of not following through on a life altering decision. 13 years of remaining wrapped up in something that prevents you from being happy. Cut the cord already, right?

Mom always said she wanted one. Dad just didn't want to pay the lawyer fees. And my mom wouldn't pay twice. Dad said it was financial reasons. Then later he admitted he didn't want his children to come from a broken home. Well you know what Dad - if it ain't broke, BREAK IT.

The color of my energy

He said my amber necklace "matches" me.

I agree.

Brainstorm
take me away from the norm
I got to tell you something
this phenomenon
I had to put it in a song
and it goes like

Whoa, amber is the color of your energy
whoa, shades of gold displayed naturally
you ought to know what brings me here
you glide through my head blind to fear
and I know why
whoa, amber is the color of your energy
whoa, shades of gold displayed naturally

Whoa, amber is the color of your energy
whoa, shades of gold displayed naturally

You live too far away
your voice rings like a bell anyway
don't give up your independence
unless it feels so right
nothing good comes easily
sometimes you gotta fight

Whoa, amber is the color of your energy
whoa, shades of gold displayed naturally
launched a thousand ships in my heart, so easy
still it's fine from afar, and you know that
whoa, brainstorm take me away from the norm
whoa, I got to tell you something

Next step

I don't have anything awesomely clever to say right now, but I'm just done with coming to my blog and reading the last blurb... so I just needed to write somethin'. So here goes nuthin...

So...
If you know me, you know I have this obsessive tendencies towards certain songs. That I'll listen to it on repeat for hours.
Snow Patrol, Shut your eyes
Snow Patrol, Lifeboats
Amos Lee, Keep it lose keep it tight
Joshua Radin, No Envy No Fear
Amos Lee, Careless
... to name a few.
The song I quoted below was the latest.

It takes me a while with some songs, but eventually I will tire of them. I have reached that point with "Say" by OneRepublic.

I think it's a beautiful song, but there's a part of me that can admit there is a sad quality to it. Maybe you have to hear it.


Anyway, it's a beautiful song. Just a little sad. And I've tired of the... umm... obsession. Next :)

Do you think you can find it

Do you know where your heart is.
Do you think you can find it.
or did you trade it for something, somewhere.
better just to have it.

do you know where your love is
do you think that you lost it
you felt it so strong
but nothings
turned out how you wanted.

...

do you know what your fate is
are you trying to shake it.
doing your best dance
your best look,
praying that you'll make it

...

do you think you can find it
better than you have it?

...

do you know where the end is
do you think you can
see it

until you get there
gone
go ahead and scream it
just say.

-one republic

My Meditation.v2 (see April 25, 09)

kundalini.
i'm scared.
but
it's there
to deal with
whether
i'm scared
or not.

Loving this

Maybe it's the sun, the hot weather, the rekindling of my love affair with Peets iced coffees, my new plan to have straight hair..... but right now is one of those moments where I feel all my old-school, worn out inner "but, I'm not THAT cool" thoughts FINALLY being shut the fuck up by thoughts of "I'm fucking cool."

Just saying. Hope you didn't mind the f-bombs. Just wanted to shiggidy share.

All the single ladies!

You can make me stand among the crowd of girls

who are willing to fight to catch the bouquet,

to be "the next one" ...

but you can't make me care.

notice the disinterested girl in yellow to your far right.
i HATE bouquet tosses.

yeah, what she said.

www.feministing.com

Cough! Cough!

You're right. It's probably swine flu.

Close the school.
Stop the train.
Put a medical mask on.

Better safe than *cough* sorry.

Open it

Being open.
A new mantra I just tried to sum up in a short email. Impossible.

Be open.
Stand in yourself.
Watch.

Let things enter.
Let things leave.
See things you want, open up to make room.
If it doesn't come, and you find you have nothing to hold on to - let go.

Let go.
Open your fist.
Loosen your grip.

Remove the barriers that keep you closed.
Remove the fear. The doubt.
Don't deny something you don't understand.
Don't pretend you don't want what you do.

Be open to life's energies.
Let it in.
Let it go.

I still don't feel like I'm even nearly capturing the hugeness of this idea for me.

...my Meditation...

...Kundalini...
...

In my pursuit of learning to meditate, I found an image of Kundalini especially... relevant. The image and the thoughts behind it have been exactly what I need to align my mind and thoughts with my internal body and therefore external experiences.
A friend of mine (who studies mediation and the chakras) said that it was a very “potent” image.
I like potent. I need potent. Nothing else really gets deep enough.

A strong powerful snake. Something that scares people and makes them run, yet something I sought out and keep close.
An image that might make people uncomfortable but that speaks to the very core of me.

Let’s explore that.

My back, my fall. My challenges. My successes. My life.
Cherishing the hardness.
Embracing the frightening.
Loving the darkness.
And becoming stronger because it’s there.

New opportunities. New risks.

This could be a really deep insightful post, but instead it's going to be about Facebook in particular, social media in general. And actually... that could get pretty deep and insightful.

Earlier tonight I was feeling especially... umm.. how you say... inclined to share my thoughts. I was finding myself quite entertaining and decided I shouldn't be the only one enjoying the show. So I posted a new facebook status, a new song, and then I think... another facebook status update. And the next time I visited Facebook (aka. 5 minutes later), I regretted my earlier shameless (?) self-expressions.

(Sidenote: I am well aware that I think too much. But this blog wouldn't exist if I didn't. You gotta take the good with the bad.)

But what do you do? It's already out there! Potentially 268 people were victim to that annoying blabbing in-your-face nonsense.

I deleted the posts that annoyed me, that I no longer wanted to have as part of my online persona, if you will (who says "If you will"?). So at least I stopped any further annoyed thought karma pointed in my direction. But that doesn't protect me from the people already affected... already thinking "Wow, she's annoying." I know I've thought that about others.

So what do you do?

Um.. post a blog entry about it that you might very well regret posting later? SURE!

I love my blog. I love my Facebook profile. I love putting my thoughts out there. But I always do it at a risk.

Apparently I've decided it's worth it.

I do want to say, I've had a sense of... foreshadowing. Forboding. I've learned to trust this feeling before. Something telling me I need to be careful. That I shouldn't pretend like the new openness of the internet is risk free. Sarah, be more careful.

And that last statement is really just a disclaimer protecting myself from you all saying "I told you so" whenever the whatever-it-is happens :)

You should know this about me

I'm not going to buy you a present for your birthday.
I'll try not to buy you one for Christmas.
I will buy you something if I see it, and it makes me think of you, and I think it would make you happy.
And I'll buy you a card and write something really cheesy but heartfelt and sincere.
But I'm not buying you a damn present because some commercial or "tradition" says I have to.

I'm not wasting money on wrapping paper. I'm not wasting paper on wrapping paper. I'm not worrying about spending money I don't have to buy you a gift you don't need. To add to your pile of -excess-

What really gets me though, is... as strongly as I feel this, I still feel guilty for not having a showy frilly box on the coffee table at my niece's 1st birthday. Last Christmas I bought my dad several things from Old Navy that I didn't think he'd really like... because I was feeling guilty for him not having more THINGS to open from me on Christmas morning. It's a sickness I'd like to expel from my system. My family knows... I've been trying.

And here I am, still trying :)

THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE NOT THINGS

Scar Tissue and Life Issues

My roommate and I were having a Talk (capital T) the other night. Just about life and it's phases... things we have to go through, things we are going through.

I shared a comparison I had noticed a few days before.

That I have this built-up scar tissue under the messy scar on my right ankle... where the bone broke through the skin. ...If you just cringed like my roommate did when I said that to him... sorry about that.

And well, it can be painful to have this scar tissue on my ankle. It's this tight little ball of pain. To get rid of it, I'd have to have a physical therapist get in there, rub it all around, and break it up. Basically doing the exact thing I'd like to avoid.

My comparison was that... that's how it is with issues in your life too. If you really want to get rid of an irritant, you have to go to the source of the problem. You have to go through the pain of working it out if you want it to stop.

Pierre said, "So what do you do?"
With my fingers still touching the little ball of pain, I responded "I just leave it."
Pierre chuckled...
I continued, "It doesn't prevent me from doing what I need to do, so I just work around it."

Wait, we're still talking about my scar tissue, right? Hmm... eff... I hope so.