the rescue

Come little one
the danger is over
i'm here now

put your hand in mine
i wont let you go.

you're safe here. i love you.
everything will be ok.
i promise.

living, learning, and doing it anyway

the lovely thing about a 29-year old is – she’s is learning so much now. she’s becoming that strong powerful woman in charge. a queen, not a princess.

and the lovely thing about that is – she still falls sometimes, somewhere in the middle of being old enough to know what she’s doing… but young enough to do it anyway.

Rising moments

During this post, I'm going to say "balloon thing" a lot.

This is what I'm referring to:

At Treasure Island this weekend, there were these huge "balloon chains" about a mile long each. Maybe not that long, I don't know. But they were massively long. And the balloons were huge.

After deciding to watch Surfer Blood sitting down in the grass, I see a man at the end of one of these balloon things (the one in the picture above, to be specific). He's manipulating it. It's reaching from one end of the crowd to the other. He's making it arch higher and lower, moving it from one part of the crowd to the other. Are you getting it? This has proven so hard to explain.

Try more pictures:

From my camera

From the internets

Ok, on with it.

This guy at the end of the huge balloon thing; Mesmerizing. I couldn't take my eyes off him. He was controlling that... thing... that was such an integral part of the crowd, of the concert, of the vibe, of the energy. He was owning it. Moving it. Changing it however he wanted.

I told my friend Brooke, "That guy is the sexiest thing at this entire concert. Look at him just moving that balloon thing however the f*ck he wants to." I also mentioned that, like the guys that light the cannons during a huge firework show, he probably felt his balls growing huger by the minute. Manly. Power. Work it.

I digress..

Balloon guy (who we later find out is Daniel.. beautiful Daniel) started going up to groups of people and doing some hand trick with the string (actually super strong plastic or something) and letting random strangers pull the string in, then release the balloons back up to the sky.

Daniel came over to our group.

So Brooke started chatting him up, trying to open it up for he and I to talk to each other. She asked if he was getting paid to do what he was doing. He said he was a volunteer. The man that created this amazing "balloon thing" for Burning Man was a friend of his. And Daniel just does this because he wants to. Heartbeat.Heartbeat.LoveYou.Heartbeat.

I didn't feel the need to yell and make him notice me at that moment. So I didn't. But I did snap a million pictures of him while he helped my friend Joe pull the string down, then release it back up into the atmosphere. After Daniel was out of camera shot and I felt I got what I wanted, I told Brooke "that totally got me off." Daniel. Doing it for me. I don't know that I've ever been so animalistically (yes, a word) attracted to anyone like that before.

About an hour later, we were back at that spot to watch Rouge Wave. And Daniel was still doing his balloon thing. But he was slowing down. Going up to fewer groups. Moving around less.

I wanted to talk to him. I just wanted... him. His energy. I wanted to talk about this balloon thing. I wanted to absorb him and all that he stood for.

I hesitated going out to meet him and absorb him. Then a voice in my head said to me, "You're letting this become just another situation where you didn't do what you really wanted to do."

I took one more look at my friends, then I bolted on to the grass and out to Daniel. No inner dialogue. Just walking. Straight to sexy balloon man holding that damn balloon string.

He didn't see me walking towards him and started walking farther from me. So now I'm following him. I caught up to him as he was turning around to face my direction.

So I smile, "I came out here to talk to you."
Daniel said, "Oh yeah?"
I respond, "Yeah, I'm kinda hypnotized by this balloon thing you've got here."
He asked, "Do you want to play with it?"

He looked in my eyes, asked my name, shook my hand, said "It is very lovely to meet you" and then explained the little game we were about to play.

I asked him to hold my beer, he warned me he would drink it.

He then walked farther away from me, holding his end of the balloon thing, I stood in one place hand-over-handing it so eventually the balloons were closer to the heads of the concert goers in front of the stage, came down to a point at me, then arched back up and down to Daniel. Here, I drew it for you:

So when Daniel raised his arm up, that was my indication to let it go. Release the balloon thing, in the official sense. I watched him, he raised his arm up, I let it go.

(I. Let. It. Go.)

Daniel and I walked back to each other, talked about how simple but amazing the whole thing (the whole balloon thing, to be exact) is. We joked, we laughed, he handed me back my beer.

And then as fate would have it, a woman with a walkie-talkie came up and required Daniel's attention with something. He followed her and I started to walk back to my friends. I called out, "It was so nice to meet you!" and he came back to me.

He grabbed my hand again, kissed my cheek, said "It was so nice *kiss on the cheek* to meet you" and as we parted ways for the last time, he pointed at me, walking backwards saying, "Sarah. You are beautiful and such a lovely person. Don't Ever *point* kid yourself."

I stopped in my tracks and as he turned around to leave, all I could yell back was "OK." I had a lump in my throat and a chill on my skin.

How did he know to say that to me? How did he know I kidded myself all the time? That I was kidding myself before I got the balls to walk on that grass to talk to him? Daniel, what a gift. He was there. I was there. I showed up. And look what I found.

....

I stood there. Seeing something I wanted. Envisioning a person I maybe could be... maybe next time. And then I became that person. And I was convinced, by a relative stranger, that I am that person.

I saw something I wanted. I was stopped by fear. But then I. Let. It. Go.

And I got what I wanted and more.

Thank you sexy balloon guy. Thank you me.

....

Official Balloon Thing website: http://www.balloonchain.com/

Turn around. Make it right.

Hi Path.
Yeah, I see you there. But I've been over here.
Doing this. And all of that.
But I know, you're right, none of that. Or any of that.

I'm coming Path, I'm coming back.

Play your love games

You dont want to put your heart in the game before it's safe. So you keep it behind a wall. Waiting for the green light.
But
so is he.
So you stand there facing each other.
Waiting for the other person to move first. Once they do, you'll see that green light.
You both stand there. Still. Watching. Waiting.
No one moves.
So then every one leaves.

I don't want anything to happen to him, Sarah.

Guess today calls for a blog post.
My dad.
In the hospital. Cancer. Prostate removed.
The doctors are more than pleased with how the surgery went, and with how he's doing.
But...
they told him he'd be home this morning.
And he's still there. And he's tired. And so frustrated. And in pain.

His girlfriend is being more than amazing. I told her I'm not sure I'll ever be able to thank her enough. I won't. That's my DAD she's looking after.

My cousin, his niece, flew in today to help.
She'd offered, he said it wasn't necessary. I sensed it was. Emailed her. She bought a plane ticket that next morning.

We all met at the hospital. My sister and I had been there since early afternoon. Sally (girlfriend) left to pick Lisa (cousin) up from the airport. My sister and I did our best to keep him comfortable and as entertained as possible. Crossword puzzles. Piano music from my iPod so he could sleep. This Old House on PBS. Hands to hold. Extra pillows. Fewer pillows. More blankets. Fewer blankets. Walks down the hall. Call the nurse. Ask for more pain medication. Make sure the prune juice was warmed up.

Lisa and Sally showed up and we all let Sally stay with him alone for a while. She has a way with him. And he needed it right then.

After eating dinner with my mom, Lisa and I came to my dad's, where I now sit typing this. She walked in about 10 minutes before I did, after 15 years of being away. When I walked in to help her find the keys to his truck so she could go relieve Sally and spend some time with my dad, I found her standing in the middle of his living room with tears in her eyes.

"I don't want anything to happen to him, Sarah."
"Me either Lisa."

........

This is a much longer story than I've made it here. I hope to elaborate later. I love my dad. More than words can say. I'm overwhelmed tonight.

Bigger Smaller Picture

I'm a marketer.
Marketers try and appeal to people. To get them to buy this, or shop here, or in my case, "Sign up for this and watch (so then I can provide your contact information to a company so they can ask you to BUY) this."

I tempt people with the lure of "free" information. Knowledge.
But it's not without it's cost.

Decisive

After three months of dating, but not dating.
She woke up one morning and realized,

"..this is not what I want.

So... I'm gonna go."

And she left.
Wrapped her scarf around her shoulders, put her sunglasses over her eyes, walked herself to the alley that is Linden Street and ordered a Blue Bottle New Orleans style iced coffee with soy milk. Because that is what she wanted. So she went and she got it.
Done.

Today's poem

She decided to free herself,
dance into the wind,
create a new language.
And birds fluttered around her,
writing "yes" in the sky.

happiness hit her

Happiness hit her like a train on a track
Coming towards her stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
With every bubble she sank with her drink
And washed it away down the kitchen sink

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run

Libra Loving

Your love life is a kaleidoscope of shapes and colors today, Libra, full of complicated patterns and ever-changing displays of beauty. A new perspective is revealed everywhere you turn, and you learn something new about yourself and the people you're involved with. Remain open to partnership on multiple levels in which you experience different types of commitment with different people. -July 29

My take-away: remain open

this is also a disclaimer for the negativity that may drip from the next few posts you may read...
disclaimer: i'm perfectly pleased with my current situation(s) and enjoying my exploring(s). Not everything on here should be taken as literal.

Time to notice

Of course you didn't notice
that the necklace i left at your house said love on it.
you weren't looking.
you don't see.

That's why it's back with me.
You don't see?

Passerby

he saw a motorcycle drive by the restaurant they used to go to together.
there was a girl on the back who stared at him. with shoes that looked like hers.

it was her. looking at him.
holding on to another.
driving away from him.
going away with the other.

other people's blockages

"So I told this guy I'm dating that his heart chakra is clogged."

"ha. what was his response to that?"

"nothing. he has no emotions. there was no response."

once upon a time

Even all the toys in Toy Story 3 end up coupled-off. Dinosaur meets girl dinosaur. Cowgirl and astronaut. Barbie and her gay life partner, Ken.

Boy meets Girl. Magic. Sparks. Smooth Sailing. Is that really the only happy ending?

Finding faith

He said that the shape of a woman's body is proof that God exists.

I don't believe in god but I believe in THAT.

The Creation [Musuem]

"A fossil with thorns is proof that it must have been made after the fall from Eden, because Genesis is quite specific about Eden's being un-sharp and blunt, or, you might say, dull and pointless."
-A.A Gill, Vanity Fair

warning: song quote

If the fish swam out of the ocean
and grew legs and they started walking
and the apes climbed down from the trees
and grew tall and they started talking

and the stars fell out of the sky
and my tears rolled into the ocean
now i'm looking for a reason why
you even set my world into motion

'cause if you're not really here
then the stars don't even matter
now i'm filled to the top with fear
that it's all just a bunch of matter

'cause if you're not really here
then i don't want to be either
i wanna be next to you
black and gold

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHuebHTD-lY

And it's all just a bunch of matter

I put this list together for a recent "assignment," we'll call it.... I like the ring it has to it so I'm posting it. Because this is my blog and I can.

Other Fun Facts about Sarah L Doran:

1. Love public speaking. Max crowd so far: 1,500. Bring it on.

2. On the debate team in college but sucked at it

3. Middle child with daddy issues from a loving and supportive dad who picked me as the favorite

4. Been writing forever, have about 30 journals to show for it (i'm 28), been blogging for a little over a year. Wanna see it?: I'm writing, You're Reading

5. Will claim clairvoyance and then prove it.

6. Oh and um, there’s this little story of me jumping off a third story balcony three years ago as an attempt to get in my apartment while drunk and locked out and stranded and alone at midnight and shattering my back, both ankles and life as I had previously known it. And surviving, and walking again and then surviving some more. Snap.

google Horoscopes - so hot right now

Stop thinking long enough to act on what you are feeling instead of what others are telling you.

Set an example by acknowledging that your own personal goals are just as valid as anyone else's and remain true to yourself.

Once you fall into the rabbit hole, you should be able to find your way around your subconscious without any external light.

yes, this is the libra constellation. see that one star? next to that other star?
yeah, right there.

the sarahs

red: get out there! there are actually lots of people who are worth spending time with and getting to know.
be selective!

blonde: i know.
dating is such a buffet.
so many options.

red: just gotta leave enough room for that dessert at the end of the line that you didn't even realize was there.

blonde: ha!

red: that was a damn good analogy. blonde and red. taking on dating.

blonde: what was that other term you invented the other day?

red: recommendating. ha.

open your hand

the leaf fell into your hand
filling the lines you just drew for it

you watched and received
you held and released

you watch it float
into the frame you just hung for it

you looked and you loved
you remember, you leave.

I surrender

and I mean it this time.

and no mom, this is not me :)

It never hit home the way it did last Friday. Your yoga instructors always say "Let go. Let it happen. Listen to your body. Etc etc etc." But Friday she said "Surrender as a way to say 'I accept this challenge.'"
At that moment, my neck went from controlling the placement of my head just to completely letting it go. My head hung forward in complete surrender.

I remember thinking, "woah. i haven't been letting go at all." I'd been thinking "I'll 'let go' in this way because that's normal. Because that's the way other people are probably letting go."
I was still clenching. Grasping. Thinking. Watching. Worrying.
And as always - so in yoga, so in life.
I surrender. I'm humbled. I bow.

May 21

2010
3 years
exactly
where i need to be.

san francisco.
challenges.
growth.
learning.
family.
life. aging. health.
yoga.
strength.
friends.
freedom.
laughing.
the ocean.
the sun.
love.

we fall

we walk

Don’t forget

• Paramedics putting the bone back in my ankle

• Strapped to a stretcher, ER lights over head. Alone.

• Waking up from the first surgery, alone.
  

• Breathing tube, catheter, IV drip - Dilaudid (5x stronger than morphine)

• Laying on my broken back with a consistent view of my two shattered ankles

• An x-ray tech not realizing my back was broken too
  

• Laying in Stanford fighting the nurses to keep the oxygen tube in my nose even though it was making my nose bloody.

• Living with an oxygen machine that beeped loudly every time I breathed slower than normal. Every time it beeped I thought I was on the verge of dying from being on too much pain medicine.
  

• Unable to sit up in bed for two entire weeks – not really knowing where I was because I couldn’t sit up to see where I was being rolled to.

• Having to breathe deep and concentrate to endure the pain after sitting up for 5 minutes.

• Counting down the minutes to prove I could sit up for longer than 30 minutes.

• Being so freaked out and confused the first week that my dad had to cover the orange-lit arrow buttons on the side of my bed.

• Anti anxiety medicine making it worse.

• Staying awake all night – SO disoriented.

• Asking my dad to explain the dimensions of my room and bed because none of it made any sense to me.

• Thinking “well that would be good for someone who couldn’t get out of bed… wait, I didn’t get out of bed. I haven’t been out of this bed for a week straight.” Constant mental readjustment to remind myself what my life had become.
  

• Thinking I’d been in several different rooms depending on how sunny the room was, how many people were in the room, or what was on the tv.

• People crying at the sight of me
  

• Waking up to see my brother sitting in my room with me.
  

• Saying I was sorry to Amy when she grabbed my hand, her crying, shaking her head, “I’m just glad you’re still here.”

• Seeing my parents hug each other like they never do.

• Being in so much pain that the nurses increased the pain medication twice after they said I was getting the maximum amount.

• Being the pre-op room, off the pain button, freaking out because of the back pain. LAYING on my back, unable to switch positions.

• Going in to the operating room before I was unconscious, seeing the table they were going to put me on, the contraptions they were going to use to hold my body in position, and the lights that were going to be shining on me, saying “I don’t like it in here.” My anesthesiologist saying “yeah I wouldn’t either if I were you.”

• Waking up after surgery with no idea where I was or what happened to me, in so much pain, convinced they balled me up and threw me in the corner of the bed.

• Brittany and Lea unfortunately coming up in the elevator right as they rolled me past as I moaned in pain (a noise my mom said she'd never heard come out of a person). Brittany and Lea holding each other crying as the elevator door shut with them still in it.
  

• Saying it felt like I had shards of sharp metal in every inch of my ankles that crunched, stabbed and sliced every time I even took a breath. My mom pointing out that was actually what was happening.

• Being in the recovery room for 6 hours because they couldn’t stabilize my pain.

• Being on a “pain button” with medicine stronger than morphine that could be pushed every 10 minutes, then going to every 6, and needing my dad to watch the clock so he could reassure me that I only had three, two, one minutes left.

• Not being able to eat any food for a week because the IV medicine made my tongue sensitive and everything tasted like it was covered in salt.

• Consuming more pills than food – throwing up all over myself, unable to do anything about it because of my physical limitations.

• Unable to wash or brush my own hair.

• So much hair falling out
  

• My IV going wrong and my hand blowing up like a balloon.

• My ankles swelling so bad they had to cut open the casts and pull apart.

• Being so knocked out from the medication they had to call in extra nurses to wake me up, and once they finally did, me having the urge to just get up and get out of bed… “What am I doing laying here?”

• Stupid nurses making me take the wrong medicine and getting mad at me for not wanting to.

• Blood drawn every morning.

• Bruises covering my arms

• 45-minute painful ambulance ride to a different hospital
  

• Unable to sit up and talk to people when they visited. Being the injured girl in the hospital around my friends who were still living their lives.
  

• Trying desperately to look more normal by wearing whatever clothes my mom brought me from the boy work-out section of target.

• Idiot putting an IV in the side of my hand.

• Two words: bed pan.

• Left ankle hit with the cast-removing tool.

• Nursing home, occupational therapy.

• Rolling around in the wheelchair with a physical therapist, catching a sight of myself in a glass door reflection, falling apart at what I saw.

• Sitting outside my hospital room at a table while my mom and dad were inside. Running my fingers through my hair slowly trying to remember what it felt like to be me. Not being able to remember.

• Using a transfer board to get in and out of the car, wheelchair and bed.
  

• When the casts first came off, my little feet just hanging there off the wheelchair; green, lifeless, bruised, disgusting.

• Sleeping with two moon boots on.

• Sleeping without the moon boots on and my ankles painfully falling to either side because I had built no muscle yet. Like a painful CLICK anytime I moved.
  

• Feet hanging off the end of my legs because my ankles were useless to hold them up

• Giving myself a shot in the stomach every day for two weeks.

• Going to dinner in a wheelchair.

• Being pushed by my friends in a wheelchair.

• Little kids staring at me in a wheelchair.

• Two hard casts and a back brace.

• Seeing a spider on my ceiling, it falling on my bed, being unable to even sit up to get it off.

• Having to put a back brace on just to reach down and scratch my own foot.

• Peeling the LAYERS of dead skin of my feet.

• Having to ask people to put socks over my toes.

• Having my mom paint my toes.

• Showering by sitting naked in the wheelchair, back brace on, with my mom handing me wet wash cloths.

• Physical therapy every day, 3 times a day for 5 months.

• My mom having to wash my hair outside.

• Buying a new purse that I could wear with crutches

• 26th birthday on crutches
  

• Fainting in the bathroom, crutches falling

• My nephew seeing a handicap placard and saying, "It's auntie Sarah" (wanted to end this on a funny note).
  

I'm sure there's even more I'm not remembering right now.