...my Meditation...

...Kundalini...
...

In my pursuit of learning to meditate, I found an image of Kundalini especially... relevant. The image and the thoughts behind it have been exactly what I need to align my mind and thoughts with my internal body and therefore external experiences.
A friend of mine (who studies mediation and the chakras) said that it was a very “potent” image.
I like potent. I need potent. Nothing else really gets deep enough.

A strong powerful snake. Something that scares people and makes them run, yet something I sought out and keep close.
An image that might make people uncomfortable but that speaks to the very core of me.

Let’s explore that.

My back, my fall. My challenges. My successes. My life.
Cherishing the hardness.
Embracing the frightening.
Loving the darkness.
And becoming stronger because it’s there.

New opportunities. New risks.

This could be a really deep insightful post, but instead it's going to be about Facebook in particular, social media in general. And actually... that could get pretty deep and insightful.

Earlier tonight I was feeling especially... umm.. how you say... inclined to share my thoughts. I was finding myself quite entertaining and decided I shouldn't be the only one enjoying the show. So I posted a new facebook status, a new song, and then I think... another facebook status update. And the next time I visited Facebook (aka. 5 minutes later), I regretted my earlier shameless (?) self-expressions.

(Sidenote: I am well aware that I think too much. But this blog wouldn't exist if I didn't. You gotta take the good with the bad.)

But what do you do? It's already out there! Potentially 268 people were victim to that annoying blabbing in-your-face nonsense.

I deleted the posts that annoyed me, that I no longer wanted to have as part of my online persona, if you will (who says "If you will"?). So at least I stopped any further annoyed thought karma pointed in my direction. But that doesn't protect me from the people already affected... already thinking "Wow, she's annoying." I know I've thought that about others.

So what do you do?

Um.. post a blog entry about it that you might very well regret posting later? SURE!

I love my blog. I love my Facebook profile. I love putting my thoughts out there. But I always do it at a risk.

Apparently I've decided it's worth it.

I do want to say, I've had a sense of... foreshadowing. Forboding. I've learned to trust this feeling before. Something telling me I need to be careful. That I shouldn't pretend like the new openness of the internet is risk free. Sarah, be more careful.

And that last statement is really just a disclaimer protecting myself from you all saying "I told you so" whenever the whatever-it-is happens :)

You should know this about me

I'm not going to buy you a present for your birthday.
I'll try not to buy you one for Christmas.
I will buy you something if I see it, and it makes me think of you, and I think it would make you happy.
And I'll buy you a card and write something really cheesy but heartfelt and sincere.
But I'm not buying you a damn present because some commercial or "tradition" says I have to.

I'm not wasting money on wrapping paper. I'm not wasting paper on wrapping paper. I'm not worrying about spending money I don't have to buy you a gift you don't need. To add to your pile of -excess-

What really gets me though, is... as strongly as I feel this, I still feel guilty for not having a showy frilly box on the coffee table at my niece's 1st birthday. Last Christmas I bought my dad several things from Old Navy that I didn't think he'd really like... because I was feeling guilty for him not having more THINGS to open from me on Christmas morning. It's a sickness I'd like to expel from my system. My family knows... I've been trying.

And here I am, still trying :)

THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE NOT THINGS

Scar Tissue and Life Issues

My roommate and I were having a Talk (capital T) the other night. Just about life and it's phases... things we have to go through, things we are going through.

I shared a comparison I had noticed a few days before.

That I have this built-up scar tissue under the messy scar on my right ankle... where the bone broke through the skin. ...If you just cringed like my roommate did when I said that to him... sorry about that.

And well, it can be painful to have this scar tissue on my ankle. It's this tight little ball of pain. To get rid of it, I'd have to have a physical therapist get in there, rub it all around, and break it up. Basically doing the exact thing I'd like to avoid.

My comparison was that... that's how it is with issues in your life too. If you really want to get rid of an irritant, you have to go to the source of the problem. You have to go through the pain of working it out if you want it to stop.

Pierre said, "So what do you do?"
With my fingers still touching the little ball of pain, I responded "I just leave it."
Pierre chuckled...
I continued, "It doesn't prevent me from doing what I need to do, so I just work around it."

Wait, we're still talking about my scar tissue, right? Hmm... eff... I hope so.

A truth that's resonating

How shall you find the secret of death unless you seek it in the heart of life?

If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life. For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.

For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun? And what is it to cease breathing, but to free its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?

Only when you reach the river of silence shall you indeed sing.

And when you have reached the top of the mountain, then you shall begin to climb.
-Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

....................................

I'm not obsessing with death or anything, just with the idea that everything in life has its opposite. This came from the theme of the yoga class I took at YogaTree a week ago. That "it takes great strength to be gentle." That it's hard work to be easy with yourself.

In yoga, you do your triangle pose... and then you revolve it. You reach the other side of that stretch. The dark with the light. The yin to the yang.

Where's the balancing point? Find yourself in the middle. Keep it there.

So We're Saying Good-Bye?

I was brushing my teeth at Brittany's house in SLO thinking "Brittany and I should take a picture in front of her cute house before she moves and it's not her house anymore and I officially have no "college friends" left in my college town."

When I leave SLO today, I'll be saying goodbye to a connection I've enjoyed for the past 8 years.

Imagining how Brit and I would get a picture of the two of us in front of her house... with no one else here... reminded me of saying goodbye to Seth a month ago. Helping him jam the last bits of his crap (no offense Seth) in his little blue car, saying bye to Hoki and bye to a home life I'd grown to love. And yes, handing my helpless camera over to an incompetent yet well-intentioned senior citizen. But I digress..

"So... Huh. Two big goodbyes." So then I started going through the mental files. Had to say goodbye to Kimm on her (surprise) last day at IPS a month ago (same weekend as Seth.. I think). I walked out to meet her when she got there, played music in her office as she packed, helped her carry all her boxes to her car and said I love you when I hugged her.

Then I said goodbye to IP Solutions. My first "big girl job" out of college. A small team of professionals who took care of me when I was at my lowest. Who never once stopped looking out for me. Even as I walked away. Amazing.

And on top of that, I went to Walnut Creek the other day and spent a few days with Amy. My girl. We went through her closet to see what clothes she didn't need to pack. I'm saying goodbye to Amy?!?

All together now: It's the end of an ERA!

And remember, this was all being thought as I'm brushing my teeth. So I caught my reflection in the mirror and said to myself with my eyes, "Why so many goodbyes right now?!" My eyes responded by filling up with tears.

But this is life, you know? I'll never not have to say goodbyes. Ever. This will keep happening. It's the ebb with the flow (or maybe the flow with the ebb?). Life and Death. Coming and Going. Laughing and Crying. Loving and Hurting. One without the other is impossible. Get used to it, kid.

And how lucky am I that these goodbyes are not forever. They're goodbyes to the familiar, the comfortable, the loving and protective.

And what that really means is I'm creating space for new experiences, new comforts, love and protection. Growth and learning. Hello. Welcome.