the playa did provide

2007

2011

dreams...

I need to get that dead girl's body to her family.

I need to get the girl driving the car to either duck or change directions.

I need to get rid of the guy on the other side of that door, and get OUT of that damn garage.


I love how my brain works.

-excerpt from journal; March - August 2009

4 years ago today.

May, 2007.

The experience:

• The story
• Some pictures
• Gory details

Side effects:

• I see it everywhere
• I feel it everywhere
• I'm scarred

The lessons:

• Slow movement is still movement
• Do what you can
• Gotta work it out
• Be Grateful
• Take a second to realize what's going on around you
• You're not invincible. Be careful

May, 2011.

...what broken body?

Literal it is not.

Dear Sarah,
You should use caution when traveling; slow down around curves and watch your rear in an upcoming trip or journey, and be prepared for unforeseen obstacles like a road block or re-routing of traffic.

Like vast cracked ice

Sing out, sing out
Silence only eats you from the inside out.
I meant no harm
but I only get to say these words too late.



Send your lifeboats
out for me.

London calling.

Put an ocean and a river
Between everybody else,
Between everything, yourself, and home

Put an ocean and a river
Between everything, yourself, and home

RSVP.

I'm turning 30 this year. I think I'm going to have professional pictures (of myself) taken, have my favorite 3 pictures turned into a magnet, send everyone in my life that magnet so they remember on which day I turn 30.

Then I'll go to Nordstrom and pick out all the clothes I think I'll need for this next phase of my life and tell you all when that list is ready. Then I'll spend the next 6 months of my life planning and stressing and seat-charting. Then I'll wear a really expensive dress that's not my style, tell the friends I like more than my other friends to also buy and wear dresses they'd never wear otherwise (matching each other, duh), walk down between two sections of white fold out chairs holding dying flowers, stand in front of everyone I know and love and be blessed by a stranger reading out of a binder who tells me, after I promise to obey, that I may now begin my 30th year.

I can't wait.

Please don't forget my birthday present. I'll need something to do once the planning is over, so returning everything will help pass the time.

dream talk

had a dream i found my perfect french bulldog puppy. then when i started petting and playing with it, it turned out it wasn't a french bull dog at all.

my dreams are so obvious these days. it's like they're not even trying to be mysterious.

what exactly this is referring to in my life is a bit unclear though. we shall see!
but let's end this on a happy note while we all look at this face:

I have to say, it was a good day.

Peaceful Poetry

Walking past enough groups, I found a flat, grassy patch of Alamo Square to call my own for a few minutes on this sunny San Francisco afternoon.

Mr. For The Afternoon was with me. This would be his last one-on-one pseudo date with me. Nice guy, but no.

I looked over and saw this couple laying together under the blanket they’d brought to lay on. It was loving and sweet. Facing each other, him keeping the blanket over her. They roll away, back on top of the blanket, he’s up checking his phone. It’s Nick. The last guy I cried about.

I watched them have their sunny afternoon at the park. And I watched myself watch them. No reaction. Love. Appreciation. Comfort. Acceptance. Peace.

I had a good time knowing Nick. We were good to each other. But we didn’t break through very many walls in each other. We just didn’t go there together. For whatever reason. No love lost. Well, no love found either. Which was the whole problem, in fact.

How beautiful, though. My reaction. That’s a person I know. Who I care about and enjoy. And he looks happy. And so am I, for the beautiful, poetic afternoon.

(This is the full story, related to the poem version below)

Seeing him.

The man around the woman. The blanket around them both.

The San Francisco sun beating down still, but the wind getting stronger

She turns over and rolls out from under the blanket. He didn’t want her to.

He’s propped up on his knees, resting on his elbows checking his phone.

She’s sitting up, looking away.

There’s a pull between them. But there look, also a push.

She talks and slowly leans in. And then he leans forward as she slowly leans away.

He rubs her back, a motion so comfortable and natural for them that she barely notices.

The push, the pull. The yes and the no. The attraction and reaction.

Then she gets up leaving him under the blanket alone.

She leans down one more time to say one last thing.

She puts her boots on, she leaves.

He’s a man wrapped in a blanket on the grass under the sun, warm against the wind.

Magic everywhere

"[Eckart] Tolle recalls going out for a walk in London the next morning, and finding that “everything was miraculous, deeply peaceful. Even the traffic."

Leave a footprint.

One of my favorite things about how I've progressed into adulthood, is that, for every frame I've bought and put pictures in, I've never taken any of the pictures out. For just about all of them, I've always simply updated the picture in the frame. Break up with that boyfriend? This picture of me standing with my parents at my Cal Poly graduation would look nice in that frame.

So any time I decide to update yet another framed memory, I get to look back at the 4 or 5 memories from my past, that I had at one point cherished enough to frame.

~~

Leave footprints for yourself so you can go back for a visit every once in a while.

Post-Thailand Email to Dad

hi dad...
...and the summary report i have for you on my trip is a quote pulled from my 'thailand' journal:
(from the plane ride from SFO to Taiwan, 12/23)
"Goal for this trip:
change the meaning of my name.
On January 7th, 2011,
Sarah will mean QUEEN
instead of princess."

mission = accomplished.

love you pops.
see you soon.
hugs,
sarah with an h.